Time To Think
The trouble with being suddenly single after an extended period of time is the hours you have to think, to ruminate on what your life is, where you’re going, what is the next step.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because thinking often gives us the chance to figure stuff out and move on. But there are those days when one thought begets another Nd soon they are completely compounded. And that original think is still buried, unresolved yet poisoning the rest of them.
It seems to happen when I find myself with too much time on my hands. Time that in my previous, relationship-filled life would have been spent with another person.
I get it. We enter the world alone, we leave alone. Only the time between can we fill with memories, with people. Yet I wonder how does one even go about making new friends, socializing so late in the game?
I work from home, often with headphones in as part of my job so it is instantly isolating. The work I do is not varied and a weird job. there aren’t after work get togethers. I’ve even taken to having a digital picture frame with people I live on my desk so I see other faces and don’t feel so alone.
I’m not your typical gay. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs. I like hanging out with people and spending time with them, but the bars always feel like a meat market and most people don’t want friendship, they want to get into your pants. I’ve been there, done that. I’m ready for a much more down-to-earth connection. Even still, if I did venture out to the bars, who wants to talk to the guy with a diet coke in his hand?
I know I have a lot to give. I’m nice, smart and genuine, silly and serious, sometimes smart, occasionally funny, but above all else I’m simply me. I need that. Have to show it I suppose.
Lots of time to think. Sometimes I just wish my thought would fade Into white noise, and I could forget them.