It’s midnight here in the Emerald City and I find myself not able to sleep. These nights have become less frequent, as the days go on and I get used to my newly-found singleness. The waves of loneliness have become like the tide – some days pounding the shore and others an afterthought, but lurking in the background.
I spend most of my evenings alone. There’s nothing wrong with solitude, far from it. However, my particular work is so isolating that I find myself craving human contact. A hello, a chat, anything to help pass the time and remind me I’m still here.
This wasn’t the life I imagined.
Retrospect provides opportunity i suppose, and allows me to stop looking for answers and simply recognize I am better off without him.
Still, I miss his silliness, his certain way that only he could be. Grieving, reliving, and longing to be close, my hand on his, my leg touching his, a kiss goodbye in the morning, a kiss hello in the evening.
Words cannot describe it, so I’m left with only these images of happier times that run through my head like a never ending film…one in which has had all the bad times excised.
I see the opportunities that are opening before Me, things I wouldn’t have considered if we were still together. And I know – I am sure that I am much better off. But the nights are hardest.
Do we wish upon the same moon? Are we both longing for the better parts of our years together? Do we both look at couples with only the faintest hint of jealousy and envy, yearning for that closeness, thinking we may never find it, and wondering where to even start?
This isn’t the life I imagined, but this is the life I have.
All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and just keep walking on.
I’m not the first person to suffer heartache nor will I be the last. Ironic that while I feel so completely isolated and alone, there are probably millions of people going through similar emotions at the same time.
Isn’t life funny?
The nights are hardest but the moon is my faithful companion, and I look to her for solace. Thank you for embracing me, and holding me close.
Posted on September 27, 2012, in Thoughts and tagged alone, break up, closeness, comfort, emerald city, gay, Imagine, irony, life, moon, Night, singleness, solace. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.