Finishing a Chapter
Yesterday morning, I learned that someone who was once very close to me passed away. It was a shock, and the news came via Facebook (are we sensing a trend here? Maybe I should spend less time on Facebook and more time experiencing life…though that is a subject for another blog posting). He was 33 years old, and his passing is surrounded in mystery, as the doctors don’t know why his body gave out, as he was a fairly healthy man.
His passing brought up a lot of feelings that I thought had been resolved. And as I sat there, reading the news, wondering what happened, I discovered myself crying over the situation. Anger, frustration, sadness, shock, grief, all of these things.
We had dated while on tour. If you have never been on tour, let me explain how it works. You’re working, living, traveling, playing with a group of people for however long your tour is. When you’re dating someone as well, the microcosmic proportions of your time spent together seem exponentially bigger. one day feels like three, one week feels like a month, six months feels like a couple of years, and so on. You get to know things about people that in any other situation, it would take you months to find out. Their eating habits, their grooming habits, their sexual proclivities, their thoughts on various items. All of it is jammed into a trunk, and magnified to levels, leaving you exposed and sometimes vulnerable.
This particular relationship was rocky. And we did not end on good terms. I will not relate the stories here, as those are my personal memories, and I have made peace with them. Needless to say, the relationship had caused me to doubt my self-worth, my own esteem, and my own place in this world.
Eventually, we were able to iron out our differences after recognizing we weren’t a good fit and going our separate ways and become what is commonly referred to as “Facebook friends.” We had seen each other on the streets a couple of times, and said hello, caught up on pleasantries, and then continued on our merry way.
So to hear that he was suddenly gone was somewhat jarring. My feelings came flooding back — all the self-worth, self-doubt, and questions about why our relationship went the way it did, but painted with a stroke of sadness and disbelief that he was gone.
The experiences with this man have left me forever changed — heck, we got tattoos together (no, not matching ones). There’s a memory of him forever etched literally on my body, as well as figuratively in my heart and mind. Those experiences I wouldn’t trade for the world, as they have brought me to this place where I am tod
I am forev
er grateful that I
knew him, and blessed to have been part of his story. My heart goes out to his sister, her children, his mother and the rest of his family. I only hope that he is in a better place, looking down on those people who loved him, for better or worse, and at peace.
Rest in peace, Chad.