Monthly Archives: December 2012
It’s the end of 2012.
Wow. We made it.
No Mayan prophecy to doom us all to oblivion. We are still here, in one peace, hopefully of sound mind, hopefully happy, healthy, and moving into whatever should come our way.
This year saw a lot of changes for me personally, as well as those around me. People got engaged, people had babies, people moved away, relationships ended, relationships began, new homes, new cars, new outlooks on life.
It was a particularly trying year in a lot of ways, ways that I won’t go into right here in this blog posting, though if you choose to look back through my posts, you can find of what I’m referring.
I’m looking ahead, forward, and focusing on the now, the present, whatever that may be.
So, come at me 2013. I’m ready for anything you have to offer. I come into this challenge as prepared as I can be, knowing that I will probably stumble along the way, but that I’ll have the fortitude and strength to get up, and keep on keeping on.
To all the folks who have read my blog over this past year, thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life story, and thank you for being part of mine. It’s been fun hearing from the folks who have commented, who took time out of their day to say something encouraging, or even like a post. I don’t write these things for the gratification of that…but it’s nice to know someone out there is listening.
Life is cyclical in nature. We have our ups and downs, our good and bad moments. 2012 had moments both bad and good, but here’s hoping that 2013 brings the good moments that far outweigh the bad.
I wish you all happiness, health, and prosperity in the coming new year, and perhaps a cupcake or two. Because let’s face it. Those little cakes are delicious.
It was a foggy evening, and there were no sounds coming from the villages nearby. The castle’s lights had been vanquished, for the enemy was drawing ever so near. People were speaking in hushed voices, afraid their voices would carry above the hills and waken the monster. Still, there was a relative calm echoing through the halls, as everyone knew it was only a a matte of time before the attack.
Minutes felt like hours, hours felt like tortuous days, each person a prisoner in their minds, never sure where disaster would strike. Glances were stolen to check in with loved ones, to make sure they were all right, and hearts warmed for a brief second, but then panic returned.
In the distance, a belch of flame lit up the night sky. The dragon was on the prowl, and he was hungry.
The people scurried about the castle looking for safety, some sort of cover, some sort of protection, but the castle’s thin walls were no match for the dragon. And only moments later did the dragon’s awesome frame fill the horizon, a mean look in his eye. Sending belching flame after flame towards the castle rock, people were incinerated instantly, leaving only four knights to save the day.
Make that three, because as the dragon swooped down, it swallowed whole one of the knights, whetting its appetite for human flesh. The knights knew they needed reinforcements. The sounded the alarm, and the horns filled the sky, barely audible above the horrible din from the dragon’s roar. Hopefully, the neighboring kingdoms would hear and respond.
And they did. Moments later, Iron Man swooped out of the sky, followed by Astronaut Mickey, Super Grover, A B-52 Bomber, and another knight, the Dark Knight, all coming to defend the castle against this horrible, evil dragon.
They launched their assault, trading blows with the dragon from all angles. Astronaut Mickey was no match, and the B-52 Bomber got in a few lucky shots before plummeting to the ground in a fiery death. Iron Man’s suit stood up to the dragon for a while, but even he was outmatched. The Dark Knight deployed every trick available, and used his mind to think like the dragon, anticipating his next move so he could counter, and proved to be a strong foe. The dragon was unsure of himself, but began making careless mistakes. He knew he had been outwitted. He retreated to the safety of his cave, to await another dawn, another chance to overtake the castle and make all its inhabitants his dinner.
And this is how I spent Christmas Eve. With three of my nephews, engaging in the most epic battle ever.
TONIGHT: WEST SIDE STORY as presented by the End of the World Players….
The world will end tonight
With clouds of doom and fire raining down
We’ll all die after tonight
So, F it all, let’s get drunk and go to town!!
Today, the world is somewhat rainy
A normal kind of Thursday
That opened with dawn’s light
But here we are
The final hours circling our star!
MARIA: Un momento, Papa.
OFFSTAGE: No tenemos un minuto! Hay que prepararse para el fin del mundo, y el fuego del infierno y la condenación!
MARIA: Si, Papa, si.
We’ll all just die tonight
With suns and moons all over the place
The bits of the sky
Will burn out every eye
Leaving horrible scars upon my face!!
Today, the world was just an address
A place for us to live in,
But if the Mayans were right….
Just get with me
Cause tomorrow, you’ll be consequence-free!
We’re done tonight!
I’ve been nominated for a blog award! Wow. What a nice treat to my otherwise mundane day. I mean, I love writing about cancer as much as the next person…but seriously, there’s a limit.
Anyway, I’ve been nominated for this Liebster Blog Award. HLW nominated me. Maybe it’s because I have naturally thinning hair, or maybe it’s because I wrote thought-provoking posts, or maybe it’s because I make a really mean turkey sandwich, but the fact is I was nominated. Suck on that, bitches.
In the interest of the Liebster Blog Award rules (there are a lot of rules for a nomination process…but whatevs) I submit to you the following:
Post 11 random facts about yourself”. Here we go:
1. I am a bleeding heart liberal. So bleeding, I cry at commercials. I am not ashamed.
2. I don’t care if they ever make another zombie or vampire movie. I don’t get it. I don’t get it. I don’t get it. I know people say, “It’s the gay agenda turned into”…I’m not even going to finish that sentence, because it’s crap. Stupid.
3. When I was a kid, I used to sit at my desk with a stack of paper. I would draw out various scenes and say the voices out loud as I drew them. I was directing, or acting, or creating my own TV show…whatever you want to call it. And then I would throw them away. It wasn’t for any purpose other than to amuse myself.
4. I believe in the prophecy of my dreams. So much so that I feared turning 35, because I had a dream I would die by the time I turned 35. It didn’t come true…but this year isn’t over yet.
5. I prefer baths to relax. But then I always rinse off. So, really, it’s a bath and a shower. A bower ™. That’s a registered trademark, courtesy of me.
6. I type 110 words a minute. Yes. I know. Aren’t you impressed?
7. I am losing my hair. But only on the top. I look like a monk. I wish it would just decide already and either fall out, or grow back. Though that’s not going to happen.
8. I drink more diet coke than water. That’s changing in 2013….18010309183081.
9. I love board games. Not because I want to win (though I do) but because it’s just something fun to do. If I could have a game night every night, I would. But that doesn’t happen. And so I sit at home, and watch Community for hours on end.
10. I laugh at odd things. A turn of phrase, a look, something that other people don’t notice. I might be the only person in a theater who laughs in a particular moment.
11. My favorite superhero is Wonder Woman. And that’s only because she has the magical power of changing clothes by turning around. It literally shaves minutes off of her day by being able to just turn, flash of light, and presto chango, magical cape for her to do a press event.
And now, per the instructions, I am supposed to answer some questions specifically chosen for me by the blogger:
Here’s your 11 questions:
1) What’s your favorite holiday tradition/memory? My favorite Christmas memory growing up was sitting around the TV with my siblings, threading popcorn. Our white trash (even though we were Mexican…but not according to my grandmother…a story for another time) garland for our tree. We would watch Christmas specials, and constantly prick our fingers on the spindle and die. Oh, wait…that’s not my life. The popcorn part is. The spindle part is something I heard somewhere…
2) Sex or sleep? Why can’t it be both? Sex AND sleep? Sex then sleep?
3) What is on top of your pizza (when you’re not forced to order what the kids like)? I like jalapenos. A little kick with my cheese. Because nothing says delicious liked stopped up fecal matter tinged with a ring of fire.
4) What’s your proudest moment? Proudest moment? Wow. I think recording my solo for the “Annie: 30th National Tour” cast album. It had been a lifelong dream, and had finally come true.
5) Name the one song that you can hear that makes everything better and right in the world. “Way Back to then” from the musical, “Title of Show.” For some reason, that song makes me cry…and reminds me of why I do what I do….
6) When’s the last time you fell in love? Success or failure? Five years ago. It was a success, only because it taught me a lot about myself, and never to settle. It’s not here anymore, but that doesn’t mean it was a failure. It’s all how you look at it.
7) Explain you, in five words or less. Loyal, dependable, honest, kind, generous.
8) Name the best place you have ever swam. In Hawaii, among the coral reef. I have a scar from that day. But wow. It was amazing. Absolutely amazing. I saw fish I didn’t even know existed, and felt free.
9) What do you really think about Tom Cruise? I don’t.
10) If you could dispel one myth about your specific gender, what would it be? That men like sports. I don’t care about them. Figure skating is not a sport, by the way. It’s an art that happened to sneak it over past the Olympic committee. And I am forever grateful.
11) What’s your least east favorite part of being a grown up? Paying bills. It’s hard to watch all your money go away. And then think…wow…two weeks for that? Big whoop.
And now, I’m supposed to nominated people for the award itself. So…here we go:
Congratulations! You’ve been nominated by me for the Liebster Award. Read about it here!!!
I only follow ten blogs, so that’s all you get. However, now, I am supposed to come up with ten questions for you. So, here you go.
1. If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?
2. Name five things that is pretty common knowledge about you, and two things that are not.
3. What food is an absolute no-no when you go out to eat?
4. Name something you find funny that other people might find macabre.
5. Do you believe in miracles? (you sexy thing)
6. Favorite ’80s song and why?
7. Describe a time when you were completely selfless towards someone else.
8. What makes you the happiest?
9. If you could do something to change the world, what would it be?
10. What is your favorite mode of transportation? Conversely, what is your least favorite mode of transportation?
11. What’s something you’ve held onto all these years, and what is the meaning behind it?
So, that about wraps it up. Thank you HLW for nominating me. I don’t know if this means there’s an adjudication process, or if this simply means I get to post a fun badge on my website for all to see. Who knows. Is my name in a database now? Is big brother watching? What the hell is going on?!?!?! Still…it’s an honor just to be nominated. 🙂 So, thanks, HLW, for this distraction from my work day, and thank you to reading the rantings of a crazy cat person.
Have a good day.
I woke up this morning, 3,000 miles away, and saw the news. Unsuspecting lives changed forever. I read the story and felt my heart break into a thousand little pieces, and realized I was crying.
My heart goes out to those affected by the tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut. Two mass shootings in one week…when does it end?
No one wants to take away your guns. If you feel you need a gun to protect you, you’re guaranteed that right.
But isn’t it time we stop allowing any person with enough cash regardless of their mental stability the “right” to buy a firearm and unleash havoc on unsuspecting victims? Haven’t we had enough senseless violence?
The idea that Joe Schmoe needs an Ak-47 or any assault rifle to “hunt” is simply wrong. An assault rifle is not a fair fight for any creature.
What will the NRA say about this? Will they spin this into “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people?” Okay, fine. If that’s what you want to believe to make yourself sleep better at night, go ahead. But what about those families whose lives have been unforgivably changed, whose worlds have been completely changed, and whose nightmares suddenly became very, very real?
We are supposed to love each other. Not murder each other.
I am numb.
Enough is enough.
I am driving home in my car, listening to the music on the radio. The constant barrage of holiday hits, from “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” to “Silent Night,” “All I Want for Christmas Is You” to “The Little Drummer Boy.” All of them, playing, nonstop, as is the custom every holiday season.
I don’t mind it. I don’t mind it one bit. I love the holiday music. I love the lights. I love giving gifts. I love the magic of it all. Yes, magic. There’s still something very magical about seeing a tree decorated, glistening with the thought put into the placement of each and every single ornament, every single light, the gifts sparkling underneath, the anticipation of it all.
And yet, I find myself in a world of melancholy at the holidays. Every year, it always seems to be the same wave of emotion that comes over me.
It’s hard to explain, but I shall do my best.
This melancholy stems from the magic…wanting so desperately for it to be a magical, wonderful, joyous event. But I find that each year gets harder and harder.
When did the magic start do disappear?
Perhaps five years ago, with the diagnosis of my disease. Suddenly, things like presents and holiday cheer took a back seat to regimented pill treatments and making moments count. The idea that nothing is permanent.
Was that the beginning of it all? I don’t know. But I know that this year, as one particular song came on while I drive, “Please Come Home For Christmas,” I was struck by the melancholy again. And I knew that if I were an alcoholic, I’d be in a bar somewhere, hunched over my glass of holiday cheer, dreaming of happier times.
I realized that I am alone for the holidays. This is not a revelation, as the world is filled with people who have no one to spend their holiday time, to make memories. I think this particular holiday is particularly sad because a year ago, the melancholy was combated by having a partner…with our Santa and Snowmen stockings, our own little traditions, hanging the paper star from our first Christmas together on the tree, and just reveling in all the season had to offer, thankful for each other.
There is a fight waging within my being about the entire holiday as well. I *want* to give gifts. I want to spoil the people I love rotten. I want to be able to afford the nice things they’ve only dreamed about, and give them a bit of magic. A trip to Scotland? Done! An iTouch? Check! A laptop? Absolutely! All of these things I would love to bring them, to see their faces light up with joy because someone listened…someone was paying attention during the previous year to a throwaway comment but now is a tangible…no longer a dream.
And yet, I can’t. I look at my checking account, and breath a heavy sigh, knowing that no matter how many hours I work, no matter how much time I put ahead, there is that Sword of Damocles hanging over my head…the dreaded health insurance premium, set to go up January 1st. Money is already tight as it is, and I see no way out, except to continue to work until my body gives out completely and I am useless. A raise is out of the question. And no benefits are possible. Absolutely none.
I have done my due diligence, reaching out to those organizations who are supposed to be there to help support those in need, but because on paper it says I make too much money, I am ineligible for anything. Yet here I sit, struggling to put food on the table, struggling to keep a roof over my head, struggling to keep things positive when clearly there is so much in this downward spiral.
I try to remain light. Even today, as I wander through the mall, looking at the things I can’t afford to buy, wishing I could spread a little holiday cheer, I kept a smile on my face. I engaged with babies out with their parents doing their holiday shopping. I was pleasant to every single sales associate who asked me if they could help me find something — because I am light.
But as the end of the evening draws near, and I get in the car, turn on the radio, and hear the familiar strains of “Please Come Home for Christmas,” that familiar melancholy washes over me again.
And alone, I drive home. I’ll take in the tree that I’ve decorated, shared with no one. I’ll look at the decorations on the table, wondering what’s the point of them all. And at the end of the day, I’ll send my positive energy out into the universe, hoping that those choirs singing silent night will radiate some of those heavenly beams down on someone who believes, who always has, and always will.
Hello blog readers!
It is December 2nd. And now, with those previous posts (don’t scroll down, seriously, I beg you) behind me, I feel my spirits lifting. It’s funny. Things are not better, really. In fact, they are just the same. I’m still in a soul-sucking job, and I am not quite sure what the next step will be regarding my health insurance situation, but i am starting to have a lot more confidence and faith that things are going to work out. They have to. I’ve gone about as fer as I can go, right?
I’ve begun submitting resumes, and hopefully, I will land somewhere where my skills will be put to good use. Somewhere where the person in charge won’t consider me as disposable as a Kleenex, and I’ll be able to thrive.
I don’t want to be a millionaire (okay, I do), I don’t want to be insanely famous (maybe a little bit of fame…but only to help those less fortunate than myself out…I would use my powers for good!) nor do I want to be so detached from reality that I can no longer relate to people (no parenthetical…except for this one). I simply want my basic needs met, having a little bit extra, and not having to worry month to month to month about whether or not I am going to have the basic needs necessary to survive.
It’s rough out there. It’s even more difficult if you are providing your own insurance program. Obamacare, or the Affordable Health Care Act, can’t come fast enough. At least then I would feel as though I have options. Currently, though, I am stuck paying my own insurance at $730 a month beginning in January, and I don’t now how that’s going to happen, short of continuing to slave at a job that is wreaking havoc on my soul, my heart, and my body.
But I can’t wallow in that. I *have* to move forward, otherwise I’ll get stuck. And I’ve been through some tough stuff to let this get in the way. So, one foot in front of the other, and just keep walking on. Wherever the journey takes me, I’ll be happy to get there. And if I happen to meet a couple of nice and able people who want to assist me along the way, well, so much the better.
I’m off to begin teaching today. Something I love, and looking forward to working with some great students.
I hope today is a good day for you.
Be kind to yourself.