Monthly Archives: April 2013
Wow, what a lot has happened since I’ve last written. Okay, okay, not since yesterday, and the post before that, but since let’s say the middle of February.
Remember how I was lamenting about my job?
Poof. It’s gone. Not in an you’re-fired-pack-your-bags sort of way, but in a hey-we-like-you-come-and-work-for-us sort of way. Yep. I have rejoined the rat race, the corporate climb, the cube farm. In short, I got a new job!!!
I’m so happy, that when I found out, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. And I’m enjoying learning about a new industry. My brain hurts at night, but still, I’m in a pretty good place.
As for life, I’ve opened TWO shows at the same time, both to success, as well as continued seeing someone. It’s still in its infancy, but I like him. He likes me. I can’t really complain. It’s a pretty great place to be in.
So far, 2013 is shaping up to be pretty fantastic. We’re a third of the way through, and hopefully it’s all up from here.
More writing when I have a free moment. Hope you all are doing well.
For those of you who emailed me asking what I was going to do about my last blog posting, this is the letter I’ve written. I’ve included it here, but I’ve changed the names to protect the innocent.
Dear (NAME REMOVED),
I hope this message finds you well.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how to write this letter, and trust me, it hasn’t been an easy task. There have been all sorts of things I could have said. Things like starting a new job, opening two shows, other things that occupy attention and resources in my life. None of those things are really what lie at the heart of the matter, however. Rather than give a litany of excuses, I have to be as honest and forthright as I possibly can be. It’s who I strive to be every day, sometimes succeeding, sometimes not, but yet the effort is always there.
Let me get to the crux of the matter which is this: Over the past several years now, I have been there, offering support when you have needed it, offering suggestions, listening, even going so far as to to call the police when you were threatening to do yourself bodily harm, for fear that you were lying in your bedroom, with your wrists slit. It has been incredibly draining on me as a person, and on my spirit. The well of how much I’m willing to give without getting anything in return has been tapped dry.
This is not a feeling that has suddenly come up, but something that has been building momentum over time. While often our chats can be enjoyable, more often than not I’m roped into what I feel is a manipulation if I don’t say or suggest the right thing, if I don’t have an answer that you want me to provide, or even if I happen to have other things going on in my own personal life that require lots of energy.
I struggled with the concept of even writing this letter, better to just cut all communication with you completely, but even that left me feeling trapped, as you have shared so often that so many other people have done that before.
And yet, I feel at a crossroads with this relationship. Friendship is a give and take, and I feel I have given the lion’s share without receiving anything in return. Too often, messages start off with a simple hello, a response back, and then into a litany of what is going wrong in the world.
I recognize that often it can be cut and dry in how to look at things, but I also believe we have to make the best of our situation, whatever that situation may be. From poverty, to our upbringing, to our depression, to our health, to whatever it is that is in front of us, it’s our duty to ourselves and to those around us to be the best example of ourselves that we can possibly be. It’s the only way to move forward and gain any momentum. Otherwise we become static, stuck in our past, never enjoying the present, and fearful of the future.
And this seems like a relationship that is stuck. The cycle repeats itself over and over again, with no end in sight.
I don’t profess to know the answers to life’s problems, to my problems, or to the world’s problem’s at large. All I can do is set realistic boundaries, and then abide by them. Life is too short for us to sweat the small stuff when it’s the small stuff we should be enjoying and learning from. It’s what makes us more complete as people, and allows us to live rich, full lives in which we can grow.
I have done my best to be a friend, but time and time again, I am left feeling that is not good enough. I don’t have the training nor the wherewithal to be able to assist you in finding a way to make everything better. Conversations wherein I am left feeling backed into a corner by not providing the answer that you seek leave me feeling exhausted, drained, and set on edge. It is affecting my own personal relationships to which I have a commitment to be present and available for.
We are only responsible to ourselves, for our time on this planet, and creating the happiness as life moves us forward. For my own wellbeing, as well as yours, I believe it is best if we no longer communicate.
I wish you all the luck in the world, and hope that you are able to find some counseling of some sort, to be able to work through your issues so you can have a happy, productive, and fulfilling life. That’s all I’ve ever wished for you.
And with that, I believe I have the necessary closure needed to move on.