Fortuna, Costa Rica
It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’m writing now because I’m currently sitting awake in Fortuna, Costa Rica with lots on my mind. Mostly the fact that the mosquitoes are going to enjoy my flesh and that I haven’t seen any monkeys yet…but there are other things as well.
Today there was a weird occurrence that happened. It came after a good experience, which made me start questioning all sorts of things and thinking things through. Perhaps I’m spiraling. Perhaps not. I don’t know. But enough to give me pause and need to write it out.
After the good experience, I made a comment about this couple we had met and how they were getting married tomorrow. My boyfriend said “that’s nice. If you’re into that sort of thing.”
Well, here’s the thing. I am into that sort of thing. And our friend who was with us also looked kind of shocked that he said that.
But the thing is, I don’t know if it was a joke or not. And it set my brain to thinking about all sorts of things, and whether this has all just been a long elaborate fraud for the last five years with no desire to move forward.
So I’m trying not to let it ruin my vacation right now, but at the same time I can’t help but wonder if he even sees a future together or whether it’s a futile thing.
And as I laid in bed, I started thinking about a lot of other things over the past five years and wondered if I had been too much of a pushover.
And it was making me upset, so much so that I had to leave our room and get some cool air. Our friend asked if I was okay and I said I just needed some fresh air for a minute or two.
So now, here I am blogging and wondering all sorts of things.
Damn it, I’m 40 years old. This stuff is supposed to get easier isn’t it?
Or maybe not. Maybe there’s no recipe for beautiful disasters, andyou just make shit up as it comes.
It’s kind of a hectic way of living.
I guess ultimately I have to decide whether that’s the kind of life I want to lead.
And now, three mosquito bites later I am going to back inside and try to sleep. Maybe I’ll see some monkeys tomorrow.