I’m just returning from two days at Disney World. A little vacation. It was lovely, as I got to spend time with my boyfriend and we had a great time. But a couple of observations about my trip:
- Flying standby is stressful. I mean it’s actually a lot like gambling. You roll the dice and hopefully are lucky enough to get on the plane. We were lucky both times. But it was very very close.
- We were upgraded at Disney to a suite. It was awesome. Thank you Disney!
- The magic seems to be gone. Once upon a Time, there were characters walking around and spreading magic unexpectedly/. Now, everything feels so regimented and organized, there don’t seem to be any unexpected surprises. Meeting Mickey Mouse on Main Street? No. Peter Pan in Fantasyland just hanging out? Uh-uh. I. Get why they have to cordon off the characters but it just feels so…empty.
- It feels as though the world loses their brain when in a theme park environment. Like suddenly manners and grace go out the window.
- This next point is tied in and I may get some hate mail for this thought … But it seems as though you need to wear steel-toes boots when at the park. Not because children are running over your feet, which they do, but for all the rascals and scooters that permeate the park. Yes. The ones that children are in too. Maybe I’m a grumpy old man, but just because you’re driving a vehicle that is supposed to aid you doesn’t mean you have to be so completely rude and inconsiderate. I always say excuse me and thank you when passing someone. And I’m highly aware of my surroundings when walking forward. But if you’re traveling in a scooter from behind and you are approaching me three times as fast as I’m walking, perhaps a kind excuse me or some sort of warning could be sounded. A bell? A nice horn? Something? It’s crowded and I will gladly get out of your way. However I don’t have eyes in the back of my head and I cannot see you behind me. So don’t hit me. And while we are at it, if your child is “too exhausted” to walk the length of the park, mayb they shouldn’t be pushed in a stroller eating hot dogs, chips and ice cream. Those kids didn’t get fat on their own. Figure it out. Same goes for the Rascal Flatts crowd. No one is fooled by your disability in a scooter when you’re eating three hot dogs. Yesx that happened. Yes you have diabetes. Walk and rest on a bench instead of thinking the sidewalks are your own personal autobahn.
- When I see magical moments, I still get a little teary-eyed. The mirror in Belle’s Cottage was amazing. And the little boy dancing with her was awesome.
- Looking forward to going back but two days is just simply not enough.
- The new FastPass+ system is pretty cool. I was apprehensive of it at first but really enjoyed the experience overall.
That’s all for now.
Wow, two posts in the course of four days? What’s going on?!? Who am I?
I had a few things that were on my mind and one of them is the imminent departure of my cat. His name is Buddy.
No, he’s not sick. He’s not dying. Nothing like that.
But he’s lonely. And it’s all my fault.
A little history: When I first got Buddy, I was working from home. Self-employed. I was there all the time. And he was there all the time. My partner at the time was also home during the day, and there was another cat to play with. But then, if you read through these blog posts, you’ll discover that there was a rather sudden breakup, leaving me having to downgrade and figure out what to do next. I was left with two cats in an apartment really designed for none. I did my best to make it work, but there just simply wasn’t enough space. Add to that a roommate who is not really cat-friendly, and it cuts the space down even more. Sprinkle in a new job that keeps me gone for extended periods of time, and it just came down to the only decision that I could make: I would have to re-home my cats.
I made it work for a long time. I didn’t want to give my cats away. They had been my friends, my confidantes, my pals on days when I sat and wondered why I didn’t have as many friends as I would like. There was something refreshing about seeing them at the front door when I would come home, hearing their meows when I’d open up a can of food for them, hearing their affectionate purrs as I stroked their head.
I admit that I am mostly a cat person. Dogs are great, but they’re a lot of work. And cats are independent, self-sufficient. And, I truly believe this, much smarter than we give them credit for. Yes, they’re an animal — but they seem to be so incredibly perceptive.
My other cat, who now has a new home, seemed to feel sadness when the first cat I owned had expired from cancer. She moped, she would look in the box for her friend, she seemed to be absolutely miserable. Which is how Buddy came into the picture. He was only eight weeks old, and I adopted him from the New York Human Society. Well, he adopted me.
I went in to pick out a new cat for Daisy (the other cat) to have a friend, and this little orange ball of fur came up and loved me instantly. Jumped on my shoulder, and started nuzzling right away. And he would follow me around the house, so he quickly became my buddy…and then it became his name. It was supposed to be something regal and awesome — Shere Khan, Lionel — but Buddy stuck.
The two did NOT get along. Daisy hated Buddy, Buddy terrorized Daisy.
Now imagine that reign of terror in a small apartment. It was enough. They were fighting anywhere and everywhere. On the floor, in the hall, on my bed, on my face. I got scratched a few times from their scuffles in the middle of the night.
I had to make the decision that I did, and gave Daisy a new home. It just so happened that a friend was looking for a mature cat, and she adopted her. And I’ve seen all the pictures of Daisy. She’s so incredibly happy. Peaceful, loved, and completely at home in her new digs. It makes me happy to know she’s okay, that she didn’t go back to a shelter, possibly to be never adopted.
And now, with Buddy, he’s going to my ex-partner. So, I guess everything comes full circle. But yet, I can’t help but feel some melancholy around the situation.
He’s a good cat, and full of personality. But with me being gone all day long, and him having no one to play with, him left alone from morning until night, it’s just not fair to him. It feels like he’s in a large 800 square foot prison. He can’t go out and hunt (we’re city dwellers) and he has no one else to play with.
Before you eviscerate me, readers, please know that I gave this a lot of thought. I knew that I had to find a new home for Buddy, but it was for Buddy’s well-being. Not my own. I love having the cat around. I just didn’t think it was fair for him to be alone all the time. And work situations aren’t going to be changing anytime soon, as much as I would like them to.
I reached out to my former partner, as he loved these animals as much as I do, and I asked him if he was interested in taking Buddy. I didn’t want to have to re-home him, but was going to, and wanted to give him first crack at it. He said he would take him.
I felt relieved. At least Buddy would be going to someone who cared for him — not being left to a cage somewhere where he might or might not be adopted. That was the part that was the most difficult; I couldn’t fathom the idea of Buddy not being adopted and loved. And it hurt me so to think that I couldn’t give him the attention that he needed and deserved.
I remember when I moved across the country with Buddy. He was terrified and he hid under the bed at a friend’s. And nothing would coax him out. I leaned down next to the bed, and saw his huge eyes, looking at me, recognized, but terrified.
Buddy had been a great duet partner when I would sing around the house, or even a captive audience member. I would be singing to myself, and before I knew it, I had this cat sitting at my side who was watching intently. I’d finish my song, and he would come and rub up against me, giving his approval. I’d start singing again, and he’d lay down, that peaceful content look on his face.
Trying to coax him out, I thought that maybe he might respond to my voice, so I started to sing to him. It was a little made up song — something along the lines, “Buddy, Buddy, it’s okay, Buddy, Buddy, come out and play.” After a few minutes – his head popped out from under the bed, and he was nuzzling up against me again. He felt safe.
So, tonight will be Buddy’s last night in my apartment. Gosh, I’m a sentimental old fool. I write that sentence and tears come to my eyes.
Tonight, he’ll get the most treats he can stomach, he’ll get all the playing with he can get, and he’ll get his coat brushed – a new pastime of his that he absolutely loves. I’ll stroke his head. I’ll sing him a little song, and tell him what a handsome boy he is, and how lucky I was to have had him in my life. And how I’m going to miss him, but I know that he’ll be much happier being in a place where he can be played with all the time, loved all the time, and given the attention that such a wonderful cat deserves.
I don’t really expect people to give me sympathy over this. This is a choice that I’m making of my own volition, and with a heavy heart. But it’s because of that heart that I have to make this choice. I can’t see him suffer anymore at home — alone, by himself for almost 12 hours a day, with no interaction.
I think this blog is really more to work through these feelings, as I feel so on the fence about this. I KNOW in my heart that I’m making the right decision. And yet, i can’t help but feel sad about the whole thing. Like I’m abandoning a child. Like I’m a horrible person because I’m giving up on something, an animal, who has only known me for his entire life, and has only shown unconditional love. Being beside me through the worst breakup of my life, traveled, sat by my side when the nights were lonely, kept me company on weekends, and was just another presence in a life that seems to be so permeated by solitude. His beautiful eyes looking at me, whether for approval or just to say, “Hey, I’m here.”
Okay, I have to pull it together before I completely embarrass myself with these tears..
If there’s any silver lining in all of this, it’s that he’s going to someone Buddy knows, who Buddy also loves and who loves Buddy right back. He’s not going to a shelter, he’s going to a safe, warm environment.
So, thank you, Buddy, for everything. For the last seven years of being faithful, of being not only a good pet, but a good friend. I wish I could only have been half the friend that you have been. Please know how incredibly difficult this is for me, and I’m only doing it because I know you deserve better than I’m able to give you.
Take care, Buddy.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had some time to sit down at my computer and craft a well-thought-out blog post. But let’s be honest…my posts have never been well thought out. Nor have they been what anyone could consider crafted. Usually it’s a random blathering of thoughts expunged through my fingertips through the processor, appearing magically before my eyes on the screen like some sort of new age wizardry. And I accept and embrace that wholeheartedly.
I could take to these pages to tell you about last weekend, after grocery shopping and feeling ravenous, that instead of waiting for my dinner to be cooked (a mere 45) minutes, I went to the store, bought a bag of Doritos, promptly ate half of the bag, and then went to McDonald’s, and ate a double-quarter pounder with cheese, and THEN ate my entire dinner — a medium-sized pizza. I could tell you about that, but then the guilt starts. But let me tell you now…I.am.not.even.the.least.bit.ashamed. A boy’s gotta eat.
I could tell you about the problems I’m having at work — feeling bored, unchallenged, all of those things. But in the larger scheme of things, it’s all sort of moot because I have a job.
I could wax poetically about how this Wednesday, my cat is going to live in a new home. And honestly, I’m a little torn by it, as I’ve been the only parent kitty has ever had. He’s been my buddy through thick and thin…and he’s really a good cat. I just am not home anymore due to work and other responsibilities I have that I don’t feel it’s fair to him to be stuck at home all day by himself. He’s going to a family that will have a lot more time to be able to care for him. But that will make me weep — so I won’t talk about that. Maybe in another post — about two years from now, when I finally get the desire to post again.
No, today I’m writing about my recent Facebook free month I self-imposed.
A little history:
I’ve been on Facebook since I think 2006? 2007? I don’t remember. It’s been so long. I’ve submitted my photos, I shared whimsical updates, I shared statuses and the like…but I found that all these years later, a few election cycles later, and constant click-baiting by other websites, it just got to be too much. People with whom I was acquainted in real life and then Facebook friends would post things that showed their true colors more than anything. I suppose bravo to them for being so incredibly brave to say those things…but I was always taught that sometimes it’s better to be seen and not heard, and if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Plus EVERYONE has an opinion on everything.
An innocuous type post, one designed to be positive and happy, could be completely tainted because Joe Schmoe in PoDunk, PoDunkia decides they either don’t like what you’re saying or don’t have any idea what you’re talking about, but feel the need to respond. Why? I don’t know.
Case in point. I had posted an article on Facebook talking about a recent breakthrough in a disease and the promising signs of research. I posted the link, and simply wrote above it : Progress. Encouraging news!
Well, Suzy Shithead came along five seconds later and posted something to the effects of “Don’t get too excited. This disease is hard to beat, and no one has done it yet. There’s probably a reason it’s here to stay.”
Okay, okay, okay…stop the train. WHY must she be so negative? I mean — I was excited. As someone who suffers from said disease, I couldn’t fathom why she needed to be so cruel. Is it because she has the safety of her computer to hide behind? Most likely. I mean, it seems like more and more people are willing to say absolutely bat-shit bonker things when they can hide behind their computer screen. They don’t have to put a human face on anything — tragedy or otherwise.
I guess the point here is that I do my best to radiate light — random mumbo jumbo stuff. You know, support people, build them up, help them succeed…that it’s hard for me to understand why people feel the need to project negativity and anger out in the world.
That’s just one instance — but it was enough that I was like, you know what? I need to take a step back and disconnect. So I put up an unplugged message, changed my cover photo, and said goodbye to Facebook. I gave my contact information on my cover image in case anyone needed to get a hold of me. And then — my month-long sabbatical began.
At first it was difficult. At first, I would find myself out of habit typing in the URL on my computer when things were slow. I would never log in…I’d get as far as the log in screen and go, “Oh, yeah, I’m not doing that!” And over time, it just got easier and easier. I found myself occupying my time with other things — Japanese class, writing, spending quality time with my boyfriend and friends, working out (so I can have double quarter pounders with cheese and pizzas on the same night) and just not being tied to my computer all the time.
It was liberating. It is liberating in a way. I find myself not really caring what’s going on in the world of Facebook. I consider myself well-informed enough that if a story happens that is important, I’ll catch it on a news site, through conversation, et cetera. But Facebook seemed to just be a huge time waster. I didn’t really need to be there for my life to continue to happen. Unplugging wasn’t really unplugging at all…it was just removing an obstacle from the things that I actually enjoy.
Interesting side note – I have over 1,200 friends on Facebook. Out of the 1,200 that I have and am not in regular contact with, guess how many actually took the time to reach out to me and say something? If you said zero, you would be correct. I found that to be interesting, honestly. Not one single person felt the need to reach out outside of the book of Face in order to see if I was alive or dead. Perspective.
My self-imposed sabbatical is up on Tuesday. Will I return to Facebook? Maybe. I’m sure my Farmville crops are dead (just kidding, I don’t play Farmville…Bubble Witch Saga 2 is the way to go!). I’m sure there are a few messages I may need to respond to, or invites…but the thing is…I don’t really care or need it. I mean, if I have it, great. If not, great. It feels good to be able to get back to what it is I like to do — which is live my life, and not be glued to watching other people’s prepackaged presentations of how wonderful their life is or could be.
Mine is pretty great without all of those distractions, and 9183013091098 likes.
Thanks for reading! I’ll chat with you soon.
Hello world! I’m writing with the hopes that you have a generous heart.
I’m participating in the Seattle HIV AIDS walk to raise money for those living with those diseases. We are on the precipice of some major breakthroughs but money is still necessary to help those in need.
This is not a scam. It’s a very real thing.
I recognize this is a long shot but I’m accepting donation for this cause at the link at the bottom of this page. It’s only a minimum of $5 donation and completely tax deductible within the US.
I hope you’ll be kind and donate. Every dollar starts a ripple effect for those in need. I know. I am a recipient myself. Thank you.
I’m getting ready to start a new adventure, directing a show that is very near and dear to my heart. The meeting I had on Friday, however, left me feeling somewhat disheartened.
The theatre company, due to some incompetence on their former executive director’s part, has been forced to cut the budgets for all the shows by 50%.
Whoa. That’s a lot. I don’t profess to understand the inner workings of the theatre, but one thing is clear: perhaps producing five extravagant shows on a shoestring budget doesn’t make as much sense.
But there’s the rub. Which show do you cut, if any? And if there are no thoughts for fundraising in place, how can you guarantee that the show/theatre/et cetera is going to be in place by the time my show, the fifth in the series, can be produced?
It is a conundrum.
I just have to hope that the theatre gods will somehow smile down and everything will work out.
Praying, praying, praying, praying….
“Are you going to pride?”
Every year this question comes up, and I can’t help but feel conflicted.
On the one hand, the answer is, yes, I would like to go. I think it’s important to show solidarity, to embrace the community, to say we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it, march in a parade, enjoy the spectacle and pageantry of all that gay pride has to offer.
On the other hand, the idea of sitting with a bunch of strangers in a completely crowded place where most of the people are partaking in alcohol and other delights has no real appeal for me. I don’t know. Maybe I’m jaded. Maybe I need to get over myself?
I try to rationalize it by saying that instead of celebrating pride one day of the year, or weekend, I’ll celebrate it every day. I make no qualms about who I am, what I am, or where I’ve been. I’m open and honest if people ask me questions about my orientation. I have no problem introducing people to the person I am with as my partner, boyfriend, et cetera. In fact, I take great pride in that, if you will.
But as I sit here and wonder about whether or not I need to be out there supporting the parade, rather than just living my life, and being who I am on a daily basis, and feeling conflicted about the whole thing, there’s a sense of urgency to be with the community.
But what is the community anymore?
When I first moved to the Emerald City, there was definitely a gay district. Capitol Hill, Broadway, with all of its splendor had no less than five shops that catered to a specifically homosexual clientele. Over time, and as the years marched on, those shops gave way to a generic neighborhood found in any city, USA. Still known as the gay district, gay bars pop up every now and then, and last for a few years, but it doesn’t seem to have that same sense of taboo that it once did.
We’ve come a long way. The other day I heard on the radio an advertisement on the radio stating that to “kick off pride weekend, celebrate with us!” Wow. That’s progress, my friends. Ten years ago, that would have never happened.
With the recent passing of DOMA and the Prop 8 decision, I felt something inside of myself that reminded me while I sit at home, typing on a computer, there are very real people out there with very real struggles. I felt something that made me feel grateful to be who I am, to be what I am, and to know that even though we have a long way to go, we have won a very important victory.
Ten years ago, the idea of getting married was a far-fetched notion. Something that I thought would only come to pass if I was in my 50’s, and no one would want me anyhow. (Gay death is 35, by the way) But now, I see couples I’ve known, couples I haven’t known, the images on websites like the Huffington Post, Seattle Times, et cetera, of these people who are celebrating themselves and the person they love, and I sit and recognize that I want that too.
That desire to feel something, for someone, and to be desired by someone…that need to express my love because, damn it, we can. It’s been a long, arduous journey, and we’re nowhere near the end.
This post is all sorts of jumbled, so thank you if you’ve made it to this point. It’s actually helped me realize that while the crowds may be overwhelming. the alcohol maybe be overdone, the parades may lack a certain choreography (that I could totally help with), that I do have something to feel proud of, and that this is a celebration that I should attend.
This feeling of conflict that I feel when someone asks me if I’m going to Pride will be something I deal with next year, but mostly for superficial reasons. I don’t care for the crowds, and I don’t care for the heat. But I am absolutely 100% proud of myself and my fellow brothers and sisters who have fought long and hard to achieve what we have achieve, to simply be who we are, and to continue to march on.
Wow, what a lot has happened since I’ve last written. Okay, okay, not since yesterday, and the post before that, but since let’s say the middle of February.
Remember how I was lamenting about my job?
Poof. It’s gone. Not in an you’re-fired-pack-your-bags sort of way, but in a hey-we-like-you-come-and-work-for-us sort of way. Yep. I have rejoined the rat race, the corporate climb, the cube farm. In short, I got a new job!!!
I’m so happy, that when I found out, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. And I’m enjoying learning about a new industry. My brain hurts at night, but still, I’m in a pretty good place.
As for life, I’ve opened TWO shows at the same time, both to success, as well as continued seeing someone. It’s still in its infancy, but I like him. He likes me. I can’t really complain. It’s a pretty great place to be in.
So far, 2013 is shaping up to be pretty fantastic. We’re a third of the way through, and hopefully it’s all up from here.
More writing when I have a free moment. Hope you all are doing well.
For those of you who emailed me asking what I was going to do about my last blog posting, this is the letter I’ve written. I’ve included it here, but I’ve changed the names to protect the innocent.
Dear (NAME REMOVED),
I hope this message finds you well.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how to write this letter, and trust me, it hasn’t been an easy task. There have been all sorts of things I could have said. Things like starting a new job, opening two shows, other things that occupy attention and resources in my life. None of those things are really what lie at the heart of the matter, however. Rather than give a litany of excuses, I have to be as honest and forthright as I possibly can be. It’s who I strive to be every day, sometimes succeeding, sometimes not, but yet the effort is always there.
Let me get to the crux of the matter which is this: Over the past several years now, I have been there, offering support when you have needed it, offering suggestions, listening, even going so far as to to call the police when you were threatening to do yourself bodily harm, for fear that you were lying in your bedroom, with your wrists slit. It has been incredibly draining on me as a person, and on my spirit. The well of how much I’m willing to give without getting anything in return has been tapped dry.
This is not a feeling that has suddenly come up, but something that has been building momentum over time. While often our chats can be enjoyable, more often than not I’m roped into what I feel is a manipulation if I don’t say or suggest the right thing, if I don’t have an answer that you want me to provide, or even if I happen to have other things going on in my own personal life that require lots of energy.
I struggled with the concept of even writing this letter, better to just cut all communication with you completely, but even that left me feeling trapped, as you have shared so often that so many other people have done that before.
And yet, I feel at a crossroads with this relationship. Friendship is a give and take, and I feel I have given the lion’s share without receiving anything in return. Too often, messages start off with a simple hello, a response back, and then into a litany of what is going wrong in the world.
I recognize that often it can be cut and dry in how to look at things, but I also believe we have to make the best of our situation, whatever that situation may be. From poverty, to our upbringing, to our depression, to our health, to whatever it is that is in front of us, it’s our duty to ourselves and to those around us to be the best example of ourselves that we can possibly be. It’s the only way to move forward and gain any momentum. Otherwise we become static, stuck in our past, never enjoying the present, and fearful of the future.
And this seems like a relationship that is stuck. The cycle repeats itself over and over again, with no end in sight.
I don’t profess to know the answers to life’s problems, to my problems, or to the world’s problem’s at large. All I can do is set realistic boundaries, and then abide by them. Life is too short for us to sweat the small stuff when it’s the small stuff we should be enjoying and learning from. It’s what makes us more complete as people, and allows us to live rich, full lives in which we can grow.
I have done my best to be a friend, but time and time again, I am left feeling that is not good enough. I don’t have the training nor the wherewithal to be able to assist you in finding a way to make everything better. Conversations wherein I am left feeling backed into a corner by not providing the answer that you seek leave me feeling exhausted, drained, and set on edge. It is affecting my own personal relationships to which I have a commitment to be present and available for.
We are only responsible to ourselves, for our time on this planet, and creating the happiness as life moves us forward. For my own wellbeing, as well as yours, I believe it is best if we no longer communicate.
I wish you all the luck in the world, and hope that you are able to find some counseling of some sort, to be able to work through your issues so you can have a happy, productive, and fulfilling life. That’s all I’ve ever wished for you.
And with that, I believe I have the necessary closure needed to move on.
I’m at a crossroads. I’m not sure how to even begin speaking about this particular person in my world.
He is someone who I’ve never actually met but through the magic of the Internet, we got to know each other. And now, seven years later, he is still here.
Yet I don’t know that I’m getting anything out if this relationship. I’ve been straightforward with him and saying that while I am supportive, I’m not a trained therapist. While I am sad that he suffers from depression, I am not equipped to handle any sort of concerns that he has about his depression.
Over time feel as though I am having more and more of the energy to deal with someone like this sucked out of me. Every conversation feels more and more tiring, draining and sea me on edge.
What do I do? He’s already pulled the “By the time you read this it won’t matter anymore because I’ll be dead.” Which I responded to the next morning by calling the police for fear of his safety.
I want him to be okay and safe but how do I handle this situation? How do you deal with a leech? Rip them off? I don’t know.
All I can do is wish him well. I’m doing my best to be sensitive but I find my energy waning.
Any thoughts? I’d love to hear them.
In 36 years, I have learned the following:
- it’s okay to be wrong
- it’s okay to hurt. We learn our biggest lessons from those moments, and it proves our character how we can move forward.
- I am not a doormat. I will give to you, but don’t take advantage of me.
- I can be funny, silly, shy, serious, talented, all at the drop of a hat. And use these skills every single day, with everyone that I meet.
- It’s okay to be in touch with your emotions, and cry at commercials.
- There is nothing wrong with paying someone a random compliment. It may take them a minute to recognize you want nothing from them, but it goes a lot farther than keeping it to yourself.
- Life is short. Don’t waste the opportunity to tell people how much you love them.
- People constantly surprise you.
- There is a lot to be learned from those who are younger than you. They look to you for guidance, but sometimes, a small word or action from them is a lesson unto itself.
- Just because my father and I are different doesn’t mean we are bad people. Simply different.
- Love is never forever, but that doesn’t mean you should stop.
- Saying goodbye to people, closing chapters in your life can be a good thing. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, but as I stated above…some of the biggest lessons come from such experiences.
- I’m a good person.
- I’m a happy person.
- I’m grateful to be included in the stories of those around me, and blessed that they are part of mine.
Here’s to another amazing 36 years.