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Question of the day: Did you do a good job?

They say at the end of the day, if you can go to sleep feeling like you’ve done a good job, then you’ve accomplished something.  You’ve tried your best, were kind, obedient, cheerful, blah blah blah — you can rest easy knowing you did your best, and the next day is full of promise with no mistakes whatsoever.

Except, what if it’s not?

What if you continually have this feeling of dread over the fact that despite the best you’ve done, you’ve continually failed?  You’ve made every effort in your skill set, and yet you go home feeling defeated, ready to give up?

Depression?  Maybe.

Reality?  Probably.

I’ve always been told I could accomplish anything I set my mind to, whether it be work or play.  And for the most part that has held true.  Impossible isn’t really a word in my vocabulary.

And yet — things are starting to feel impossible.  Insurmountable.

I go home drained daily, exhausted from the effort, exhausted from fighting internal battles over and over again, and it gets harder and harder to get up the next morning to face the dreaded “job” again.

Do I care about what I do?  Not necessarily.  Let me rephrase.  There are elements of the job that I like a lot — helping people.  But am I passionate about technology?  Not at all.  It could be a computer or a server, a pack of CD ROMS (?!?) or a piece of security software, and it’s all the same to me.  I don’t really like that aspect of the job.  Sales.

And I said that from the beginning.  Yet, here I am in a sales role, because they needed a body.  The role has morphed from what it was originally described as to something that looks more and more like a traditional sales job, full of new metrics that based on my set of accounts are very difficult to achieve.  Out of the five years I’ve been at this job, I’ve obtained those metrics probably seven times.  SEVEN TIMES over the course of five years.

Does this make the metrical scale something unobtainable?  Probably.  I’m not the only one who is having difficulty hitting the “numbers,” on top of all of the other tasks that often feel herculean to accomplish.  Even the top performers in the company fall short on a daily basis.

Add into that mismanagement, a rudderless ship drifting aimlessly on a sea of confusion, and a lack of joy in the office, and it feels like we all can see the writing on the wall.  Often, I hear from coworkers how they dread coming in.

And I’ve done my best to keep a positive attitude…

But I don’t know how much longer I can do that.

I have wings that need to be stretched, and here they feel clipped.  I want to soar because that’s my nature but instead I hop because that’s all I can do.

This was depressing.

Think about unicorns.  That will make you happy.

Happy month end, everyone.


Someone likes me!

Liebster Award



I’ve been nominated for a blog award!  Wow.  What a nice treat to my otherwise mundane day.  I mean, I love writing about cancer as much as the next person…but seriously, there’s a limit.

Anyway, I’ve been nominated for this Liebster Blog Award.  HLW nominated me.  Maybe it’s because I have naturally thinning hair, or maybe it’s because I wrote thought-provoking posts, or maybe it’s because I make a really mean turkey sandwich, but the fact is I was nominated.  Suck on that, bitches.

In the interest of the Liebster Blog Award rules (there are a lot of rules for a nomination process…but whatevs) I submit to you the following:

Post 11 random facts about yourself”.  Here we go:

1.  I am a bleeding heart liberal.  So bleeding, I cry at commercials.  I am not ashamed.

2.  I don’t care if they ever make another zombie or vampire movie.  I don’t get it.  I don’t get it.  I don’t get it.  I know people say, “It’s the gay agenda turned into”…I’m not even going to finish that sentence, because it’s crap.  Stupid.

3.  When I was a kid, I used to sit at my desk with a stack of paper.  I would draw out various scenes and say the voices out loud as I drew them.  I was directing, or acting, or creating my own TV show…whatever you want to call it.  And then I would throw them away.  It wasn’t for any purpose other than to amuse myself.

4.  I believe in the prophecy of my dreams.  So much so that I feared turning 35, because I had a dream I would die by the time I turned 35.  It didn’t come true…but this year isn’t over yet.

5.  I prefer baths to relax.  But then I always rinse off.  So, really, it’s a bath and a shower.  A bower ™.  That’s a registered trademark, courtesy of me.

6.  I type 110 words a minute.  Yes.  I know.  Aren’t you impressed?

7.  I am losing my hair.  But only on the top.  I look like a monk.  I wish it would just decide already and either fall out, or grow back.  Though that’s not going to happen.

8.  I drink more diet coke than water.  That’s changing in 2013….18010309183081.

9.  I love board games.  Not because I want to win (though I do) but because it’s just something fun to do.  If I could have a game night every night, I would.  But that doesn’t happen.  And so I sit at home, and watch Community for hours on end.

10.  I laugh at odd things.  A turn of phrase, a look, something that other people don’t notice.  I might be the only person in a theater who laughs in a particular moment.

11.  My favorite superhero is Wonder Woman.  And that’s only because she has the magical power of changing clothes by turning around.  It literally shaves minutes off of her day by being able to just turn, flash of light, and presto chango, magical cape for her to do a press event.

And now, per the instructions, I am supposed to answer some questions specifically chosen for me by the blogger:

Here’s your 11 questions:

1)  What’s your favorite holiday tradition/memory?  My favorite Christmas memory growing up was sitting around the TV with my siblings, threading popcorn.  Our white trash (even though we were Mexican…but not according to my grandmother…a story for another time) garland for our tree.  We would watch Christmas specials, and constantly prick our fingers on the spindle and die.  Oh, wait…that’s not my life.  The popcorn part is.  The spindle part is something I heard somewhere…

2) Sex or sleep?  Why can’t it be both?  Sex AND sleep?  Sex then sleep?

3) What is on top of your pizza (when you’re not forced to order what the kids like)?  I like jalapenos.  A little kick with my cheese.  Because nothing says delicious liked stopped up fecal matter tinged with a ring of fire.

4) What’s your proudest moment?  Proudest moment?  Wow.  I think recording my solo for the “Annie:  30th National Tour” cast album.  It had been a lifelong dream, and had finally come true.

5) Name the one song that you can hear that makes everything better and right in the world.  “Way Back to then” from the musical, “Title of Show.”  For some reason, that song makes me cry…and reminds me of why I do what I do….

6) When’s the last time you fell in love?  Success or failure?  Five years ago.  It was a success, only because it taught me a lot about myself, and never to settle.  It’s not here anymore, but that doesn’t mean it was a failure.  It’s all how you look at it.

7) Explain you, in five words or less.  Loyal, dependable, honest, kind, generous.

8) Name the best place you have ever swam.  In Hawaii, among the coral reef.  I have a scar from that day.  But wow.  It was amazing.  Absolutely amazing.  I saw fish I didn’t even know existed, and felt free.

9)  What do you really think about Tom Cruise?  I don’t.

10)  If you could dispel one myth about your specific gender, what would it be?  That men like sports.  I don’t care about them.  Figure skating is not a sport, by the way.  It’s an art that happened to sneak it over past the Olympic committee.  And I am forever grateful.

11)  What’s your least east favorite part of being a grown up?  Paying bills.  It’s hard to watch all your money go away.  And then think…wow…two weeks for that?  Big whoop.

And now, I’m supposed to nominated people for the award itself.  So…here we go:

The Better Man Project


Proficiency Paradigms

Canadian Hiking Photography


Grammatically Buff Poems

Dr Anthony’s Blog

Jeyna Grace

Da Mouse

Theo Black

Congratulations!  You’ve been nominated by me for the Liebster Award.  Read about it here!!!

I only follow ten blogs, so that’s all you get.  However, now, I am supposed to come up with ten questions for you.  So, here you go.

1.  If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?

2.  Name five things that is pretty common knowledge about you, and two things that are not.

3.  What food is an absolute no-no when you go out to eat?

4.  Name something you find funny that other people might find macabre.

5.  Do you believe in miracles?  (you sexy thing)

6.  Favorite ’80s song and why?

7.  Describe a time when you were completely selfless towards someone else.

8.  What makes you the happiest?

9.  If you could do something to change the world, what would it be?

10.  What is your favorite mode of transportation?  Conversely, what is your least favorite mode of transportation?

11.  What’s something you’ve held onto all these years, and what is the meaning behind it?


So, that about wraps it up.  Thank you HLW  for nominating me.  I don’t know if this means there’s an adjudication process, or if this simply means I get to post a fun badge on my website for all to see.  Who knows.  Is my name in a database now?  Is big brother watching?  What the hell is going on?!?!?!  Still…it’s an honor just to be nominated.  🙂  So, thanks, HLW, for this distraction from my work day, and thank you to reading the rantings of a crazy cat person.

Have a good day.