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Question of the day: Did you do a good job?

They say at the end of the day, if you can go to sleep feeling like you’ve done a good job, then you’ve accomplished something.  You’ve tried your best, were kind, obedient, cheerful, blah blah blah — you can rest easy knowing you did your best, and the next day is full of promise with no mistakes whatsoever.

Except, what if it’s not?

What if you continually have this feeling of dread over the fact that despite the best you’ve done, you’ve continually failed?  You’ve made every effort in your skill set, and yet you go home feeling defeated, ready to give up?

Depression?  Maybe.

Reality?  Probably.

I’ve always been told I could accomplish anything I set my mind to, whether it be work or play.  And for the most part that has held true.  Impossible isn’t really a word in my vocabulary.

And yet — things are starting to feel impossible.  Insurmountable.

I go home drained daily, exhausted from the effort, exhausted from fighting internal battles over and over again, and it gets harder and harder to get up the next morning to face the dreaded “job” again.

Do I care about what I do?  Not necessarily.  Let me rephrase.  There are elements of the job that I like a lot — helping people.  But am I passionate about technology?  Not at all.  It could be a computer or a server, a pack of CD ROMS (?!?) or a piece of security software, and it’s all the same to me.  I don’t really like that aspect of the job.  Sales.

And I said that from the beginning.  Yet, here I am in a sales role, because they needed a body.  The role has morphed from what it was originally described as to something that looks more and more like a traditional sales job, full of new metrics that based on my set of accounts are very difficult to achieve.  Out of the five years I’ve been at this job, I’ve obtained those metrics probably seven times.  SEVEN TIMES over the course of five years.

Does this make the metrical scale something unobtainable?  Probably.  I’m not the only one who is having difficulty hitting the “numbers,” on top of all of the other tasks that often feel herculean to accomplish.  Even the top performers in the company fall short on a daily basis.

Add into that mismanagement, a rudderless ship drifting aimlessly on a sea of confusion, and a lack of joy in the office, and it feels like we all can see the writing on the wall.  Often, I hear from coworkers how they dread coming in.

And I’ve done my best to keep a positive attitude…

But I don’t know how much longer I can do that.

I have wings that need to be stretched, and here they feel clipped.  I want to soar because that’s my nature but instead I hop because that’s all I can do.

This was depressing.

Think about unicorns.  That will make you happy.

Happy month end, everyone.

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Random iPhone Tip

My home button wasn’t working.  And I didn’t know why.  I did a little research, and found this handy little tip.  Thought I would share it for those out there with an iPhone.

Don’t expect these very often, because I am not a technological genius.  I can barely make the iPhone do what I want.  Still…it seemed to work.

Enjoy your Sunday!

 

35

This post comes after a conversation I had with a friend.

We were sitting on my balcony, overlooking the water.  It’s not really that fancy.  There are a bunch of trees in the way.  Still, it is relaxing.

As we sat there, talking, the question came up again of what to do, where to go, this journey, this life that we lead.  Both of us find that being in our mid-30’s, we’re facing a crisis of what do we do with our lives.

Both of us had dreamed of being on the stage…but life sometimes gets in the way in major ways.  I don’t know if that means persevering, or what, but when major life events happen, you start to look at things and wonder is this really worth it anymore.  The pounding the pavement, and hoping for that one big break.

All of this was circulating around the idea that I feel something monumental is coming in my life, yet…I don’t know what that could be.  I feel stuck in a job I hate.  She asked me what my dream job would be, and I said, “Working for Disney.”  Unfortunately, that means I either need to become a software engineer (not smart enough) or move to California to work the loading zone for Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.  Since I hate California, I predict that is not going to happen anytime soon.  BUT, as the song says, “A dream is a wish your heart makes.”

So, what does this have to do with anything?  I’m glad you asked.  I’ll do my best to sort out whatever is going on in my head and see if it makes any sense.

I had a dream that I was going to die when I turned 35.  This was a while ago.  But my life had been planned up to that point…and frankly, nothing beyond.  There was no 10-year plan or 20-year plan.  It was simply somehow, I was going to be dead at 35.

I’m still alive, obviously.  I’m not a zombie, and typing this on my quest for brains.  That hasn’t happened.  But yet, I do feel as though part of me is dead.

There used to be a joie de vivre, a sense of life, adventure, experience.  But that seems to have gone.  Remember that major life event I mentioned earlier?  It happened to me about five years ago, when I turned 30, and since then, there have been major hopes and lows, as I felt like someone had picked me up, and thrown me in the ocean and said, “Find shore.”  I didn’t know which way shore was, and so I tread water for months.  In the timeline of events, this was what I called survival mode.

Sure, I may have come out of it stronger, smarter, faster, experienced, whatever, but it took a lot out of me.  And still continues to take a lot out of me.

There are times when I’m engaged, as I used to be, but those moments are few and far between.

It’s not depression.  I know it’s not that.

It’s feeling like, what is the next step?  What is the ultimate end goal?  And even though I can’t see what that end goal is, why am I so hesitant to move forward, to set in motion a chain of events that may lead to something bigger and greater?

Fear.

Fear holds me back, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of unhappiness, fear of still meandering through whatever this is, this process, this life.

I turned 35.  I’m now six months into it, and I still don’t know what the next step is.

That’s hard.  To wake up and spend my day trying to figure out who or what I am, trying to reinvent myself, yet, not knowing how to even begin.  Struggling to make ends meet and feeling like I can never get ahead…and by the time I’m finished with my responsibilities, there isn’t even time for myself to begin contemplating that next step.

So, I cautiously wait out the days.

In a sense, I have died.  The dream…which was just a dream… seems to have come true.

But I feel like there’s so much more to accomplish, so much more to strive for, to change the world, to give back, to create, to express my ways that only I can do.

The original title of this post was “The Emperor’s Wearing No Clothes,” and as I got to writing, I realized it wasn’t quite where this was post was going to go.  It was simply the cover for what has lied underneath for a while, and seems to bubble up to the surface every waking hour of every day.  And that starts to feel more and more excruciating as I figure out how to fill those days.

I guess if you’re still reading here, you’ve followed what I’ve had to say, and maybe have had a strong reaction to it.  “Grow some balls,” or, “Yes!  I feel that way too.”  Or maybe you’re completely indifferent to it.

I’m slowly become that way about the whole situation.

But there’s the rub.  If I am indifferent, it means there is still fight within me, fight to do something, to BE something.  To go forward and give good to the world, wherever, however I can.

That’s the part I have to figure out.  It’s simply not enough to want it.

It’s 9:32…only three and a half more hours left of whatever today has been.

Thank you for reading.